Somewhere In My Inner Self

I isolate myself from human interaction
because within me I find solace in myself
it gives me a moment to gain my composure
before going back to a tailored and perfected self

The ironic aspect of this formulated dance
is the attention to detail of the insecure outer self
secure within myself
insecure with the world
secure in my own world
the battle of my ongoing self

Home is where the heart is
but only within myself
and so acceptance is granted
but never with my outer self

For the inner is magical and wonderful; even at ease
rarely do most people get this part of me
and people cast judgement with what I let out
at least through the self-distoration of my catastrophizing self
and I feel like I’m never home when I’m outside of myself
I cant breathe till I’m alone
but society makes alone seem like it should be the most horrid of yourself
when alone is where I am
and alone is where it is
and alone is when I am most comfortable with the world I live in
and that’s that not to say i don’t like people because I do
but a very selected amount makes my heart not skip a beat and fast forward x32

Most of the time my anxiety is at its peak
I fidget and I sweat
my mind races and wonders
to what they think of me
and what they see
and is my soul accidentally on the outer part of me
can they see my insecurities
and what I saw today when I looked in the mirror
can they feel my fears and are they mocking my desires
Is this sentence long enough
did I stutter too quickly
I missed a word here
a feeling there
a punctuation, a smile a nod
and my makeup is too light
too dark depending on the light and my complexation
my hair is too thin
and my weight thats just another added fucking dimension
because if I feel it…If I feel it
and I’m not alone in the safety of myself
then is it possible my fears and desires are beating outside of my self?

Im striving to find
the easy formula to be exactly what God and somewhere between the mix-up, what humans had in mind when making me who I am
and Im scared so scared
to be who I am
to breathe like I do
and feel like I am
because there wont be much I say
and there wont be much I verbally relate too
but I’m generous
and kind
and ambitious
and loving
and amazing
if you looked behind this superficial taboo
if I looked behind this superficial taboo
I accept myself
I accept myself
I accept myself
I accept myself
for everything I am
but sometimes I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
for everything I’m not

2 thoughts on “Somewhere In My Inner Self

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